My thoughts - May 1 2026

First of all, can’t believe how fast time flies. It’s officially May and I’ll be 38 this month. Isn’t it crazy how we are always evolving? A person who finds themselves in the midst of change, whether it be to their surroundings or their own interests and feelings, can choose to analyze and grow through the changes or can choose to stay the same. I’ve realized that staying the same becomes boring after awhile. Maybe its my neurodivergence, but I get bored with myself at times. Then I realize that some part of myself is in need of growth.

I had my last period of introspection and intentional growth in late 2020. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 17 and I had taken medication until about 19. I decided that the medication made me zombie like and I didn’t like it, so I stopped taking it. From about 19 to 32, I honestly forgot that ADHD was the reason I was struggling through life and relationships. I knew I had ADHD, but I didn’t understand how it affected me or that I needed to manage it. I just didn’t think about it at all. So, after experiencing the beginning parts of COVID, working from home while raising a 2 year old non-verbal child alone(who would later be diagnosed with Autism and Speech Disorder), and getting fired because I could not do both successfully, I found myself on the part of social media that was experiencing the struggles of ADHD and speaking out about it. I already had a diagnosis, but I learned about myself right along with the rest of the undiagnosed ADHDers. It was a breakthrough for me, allowing myself the opportunity to research tools I could create and use to manage my ADHD, and becoming knowledgeable enough to be forthcoming about my traits and symptoms so I could begin working on how I interact and communicate in relationships as well. Just having that understanding of who you are and why you do the things you do is necessary if there’s ever going to be hope of living a productive, consistent, and satisfying life.

Lately, I’ve been feeling unsettled. There are a lot of really stressful things happening in the US right now. Many of these things affect my family directly, while the ones that don’t are heavy and sad to witness. The future is uncertain, money is tighter than ever, and I’m also struggling a bit with my health and mobility. First, I found myself going through a period of depression. I’m one of those people that has moments of depression, but feels some level of “normal” or happy most of the time. After a few weeks of not having the desire to do much at all, I began to analyze why and determined I was becoming depressed. Booked a weekend in the forest with no service, and started finding the motivation to get up and get moving again while I waited for our weekend away. One thing I wanted to change was my desire to read a book. I grew up reading. I loved it so much, I would read for hours at a time, becoming fully immersed, and forgetting the noise happening all around me. Then I became an adult, moved away, and started partying. After partying for a year or so, I moved to another state with just my cat, and started a new life. I stopped reading during that time and haven’t been able to get into or finish a book since. Now for the past few years, I’ve found myself wanting to want to read, but not actually being able to do it. It was Christina Applegate’s memoir, Her with the Sad Eyes, that finally inspired my newfound love of reading. I pre-ordered her book months in advance. It arrived on March 6 and I didn’t start reading it until April 21. Once I started, I haven’t been able to stop. 9 days later and I’m halfway through my second book, Remarkably Bright Creatures, by Shelby Van Pelt. It may be this book that has inspired me to finally begin blogging after reading that the this is the author’s first book, which is about to be coming out as a movie on Netflix. I guess I can start doing something, doesn’t really matter if anyone ever sees it or if I see anyone success.

I think I got off topic again. One of the reasons I’ve always struggled to start writing. What will I write? What if I can’t focus on the topic? What if none of it makes sense? It is what it is at this point. Better than doing nothing for the rest of my life and wishing I had tried.

So, I’ve been working on not feeling unsettled anymore. One of the biggest issues is that the future is so unknown. That’s not something I can control or change, so I’ll focus on what I can work on. I can work on my health, I can follow through on things, I can blog, I can work on my future business ideas, I can look for ways to bring in more money, I can make time to do the things I love, and I can make sure I’m eating a well rounded diet and exercising consistently. I’m already feeling better. I just need to make sure to keep it up, which is honestly the hardest part.